I don’t even know where to begin.
My very good friend Adam sent me a quote today, and he couldn’t have sent a more appropriate quote at this time:
¨Truth is by nature self-evident. As soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance that surround it, it shines clear. – Gandhi¨
I feel like everything is going wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I know things don’t go as planned on a trip, and they absolutely should not. And I have had some great times – partying with Ivette and her friends in Bogota, hanging out in Leticia… but I feel that I’m having a bad time with good moments. It shouldn’t be like that. I should be having a good time with bad moments!
I had one of many breakdowns last night. I’ve been feeling more and more uneasy about going into the jungle. At first it was fear accompanied by excitement. But both feelings faded. It does not remotely feel right to go into the jungle. I’m dreading it. I don’t like Iquitos, in all honesty. Not one bit. It’s just not my place.
So my plan was to go to Cusco after this to see Machu Picchu. THEN finally get to Lima to see my friends before at last heading up the coast to camp in Huanchaco and bartend in Mancora, my two paradises. I’m done waiting, and I’ve decided to go with my heart and my gut.
Last night I felt very weak. I felt that if I changed course, if I didn’t go on this jungle trek, I was letting myself down, giving in to fear. I slept on it and I realised… isn’t it smarter to listen to my inner me? The little Danie trying to speak up inside of me?
So yes, I will lose a lot of money, and I’m not nearly as brave as I (and some of you who actually believed it) thought, but I feel more in touch with myself now than I have in months. There’s a song by Ben Folds (thanks Alec) called Best Imitation of Myself. I’ve been able to relate to it way too much as of late. I’ve felt incredibly disconnected, as if I’ve been acting the part of myself without really feeling it. But I woke up this morning, and I knew I would book my flight today to fly to Lima tomorrow, and suddenly I felt so much better; so much more attached to myself.
My mom sent me an email today after I called her last night during my breakdown. Yes I called my mommy, WHAT UP. Anyway I think what she said is exactly how I feel, except she has much better words..
¨Try to keep peace in your heart and soul. When I travel, I feel like there is an invisible hand that guides me to where I need to be. For whatever reason, I believe that you are being guided away from the jungle right now. Listen to that. Honour that. And feel happy and cared for. Everything is fine. And you are very, very loved. :)¨