To the man who broke my heart:
Thank you for crushing my heart into a million pieces. It made me stronger, although I didn’t follow the best path afterwards. I was weak, and all I wanted to do was forget about you – to mask my pain. It made me turn to coke, and within a couple months, I became a full fledged addict. I couldn’t bear to look at myself, to remember all that we had and all that you stripped from me. But with time, I had no choice. I lost 30 lbs, and my eyes grew tired and afraid. I was no longer someone I recognized when I looked in the mirror.
Thank you for making me look at myself. For when I became so far from who I once was, so lost for an identity, I had no choice left but to stare myself down, and to ask myself, “What the fuck are you doing?” I had to question why I started using, and you were only part of the reason. You had triggered something within me. You deepened a pain that I had been masking for years… perhaps all of my life. You made me confront myself. And I have only just begun to do so, but you started the journey.
Thank you for changing everything. For within a few days of meeting you, I was ready to abandon all of my travel plans. Until yesterday, I always thought it was because I had loved you so much that I was prepared to leave my passion. But it wasn’t you after all. I used you as an excuse. I was longing for something to stop me, to take me away from my nomadic ways. For once I did love these ways, but this was no longer my path. I had no idea how to stop, and in meeting you, I learned that I was ready to stop.
Thank you for crushing me so much that I now have to confront everything. Not just you – everything. For I had been hiding so much away that needs to be dealt with. For all your faults, you are making me learn that my feelings are my own. You didn’t treat me right, it’s true, but I was not perfect either. That does not excuse what you did, but it’s a good reminder that none of us are perfect. And you made me realize that I can only control how I feel and react. I have no power over the outside events that occur to me. But I can control how I move forward. I can control me.
Thank you for teaching me compassion for someone I once saw as a beast. For after months of hating you, I now see that beneath the beast is but a scared child, traumatized like us all, just begging for love. It saddens me that you suffer so much, but I cannot do anything. It is up to you to get yourself help. I hated you so much for so long, and we will never whisper one single word to each other again. But where there was hate, I feel only compassion now. You did terrible things, but they are all you know. And within you there is so much pain. I hope one day you find the courage to face yourself, and heal that pain.
Thank you for entirely changing the course of my life. For soon I will go home, after five whole years running around this earth. It was you who changed everything. You made me stronger, while weakened me at the same time. You made me ready to stop traveling. And finally, you are making me face me, a task long over due.
So thank you. Thank you so fucking much. Thank you more than you’ll ever know. And I hope one day someone changes the path of your life like you have mine. We can all have a second chance in this world. We can always change the direction of our lives.
Thank you, to the man who broke my heart.
It’s time to finally let you go. Today I closed my eyes, and instead of remembering that rage in your eyes as you threw me, as I usually do when I think of you, I chose a different narrative. I imagined our last encounter had gone quite differently. I saw us saying goodbye, as if we’d just merely realized that our relationship didn’t work, and never would. A sweet and soft goodbye, before I picked up my backpack, and calmly walked out the door. I choose to remember this as our ending. And I choose to be in power of my own future.
I choose to let you, and all of the pain you caused, go.
Thank you for changing my life. And I hope one day someone changes yours.