Week one went pretty damn well, despite the fact that cocaine is a hell of a drug. I abstained completely, despite my intense cravings mid week. Alas, I was determined. But then came day eight. Freakin’ day eight seems to always get me. And by always, I mean the two times I tried to quit this month. That fucking day eight. Just like last time, I convinced myself once was fine. Just one day, with my honeymooning friends.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Confessions of a Coke Addict
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 8
I made it to day 8. That’s one week down. Granted, when I quit a few weeks ago it was on day 8 that I caved. What harm would one day of doing coke do? It certainly wouldn’t spiral me into a mess of daily lines for another three weeks.
Except that it did.
Fortunately I have pals here now. Why would I want to do coke when I can hang out with them? I was always kinda weird on coke. Where others are social and like to party, I’d opt to listen to music in a hammock. That was more my style. Though I did tend to babble on Facebook messenger to people. I don’t know why. I didn’t want to speak out loud, but I could chat away online.
Anyways, it’s day 8 and I’m not making the same mistake again. Nope, cocaine, you will not keep me in your grips. The cravings have subsided, and it’s really just a mental desire to have my relaxing coked up hammock time. And oh how I would adore it.
But I can’t. Because I am not an occasional coke user.
Later I went to Nude Hotel. I walked into the bathroom and immediately remembered the last time I was there. Doing lines. Okay cravings not altogether gone. Fuck.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 9
Well I fucked up. You see my friends are here on their honeymoon and they like to partake in drugs at times. They, unlike I, have it under control however.
After going to the bathroom and remembering doing lines in there last year I craved.
And I craved.
They were uncertain what to do. Do they stop me because I am quitting? Or do they buy it because they want to indulge, it’s their honeymoon, and they were going to pay, not me?
I didn’t know what to tell them. I wanted it bad. And I wanted to do it with friends for once.
So they bought it. The three of us and an English guy who recognized me from Instagram (weird, first time that’s happened!) hung out for hours. And you know what? We had a great fucking night hanging out in their hotel room, naked, chatting, and doing coke. I can never hang out with humans for longer than a couple hours. But there we were hanging for a good 12 hours (half of it long before the coke arrived). It was just amazing feeling close to people. I meet so many new people but here were some of my real, old pals.
Weirdly, they were in the same hotel room. Yes that hotel room. The one I did the line that started all of this a year ago. Exact. Same. Room.
So yeah. I fucked up. Yeah, I did it. I knew I shouldn’t. But I had a fucking great night. So I guess the real test is what happens tomorrow. What happens this week? Was it just one night?
I hope it was. Why does day 8 keep breaking me?
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 10
So I guess we’re back to day one. That’s right, I gave in again last night even though my friends didn’t want to partake. I saved myself $6 and bought the shittier quality, as if that was a step in the right direction.
“You went 8 days last time? And 8 days this time? Why don’t you try for 9 days?” My friend said while I debated buying it. “Yeah. But after today,” I responded, quickly handing over the money to my dealer to buy my bag.
Please god don’t let this be another three weeks. Please, please, please. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I am a fucking cocaine addict. I wanted to say no. But I didn’t want a drink or a toke. I didn’t want to go to bed early. No, I wanted a night high in my hammock listening to music. I needed it after so much human interaction the day before. Needed. Ew. It repulses me to read my own words.
And tonight I’ll do it again.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 11
I’m back. I’m hooked. It’s daily. I don’t know how it will ever end. I feel hopeless, but I still love the coke. Coke and I are still on our honeymoon. But I know better.
I feel trapped.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 12
What do you want me to say? I’m high. I’m on coke. I could have done the acid waiting for me in my tent to have a therapy session and sort through this instead.
But I didn’t.
I got more coke.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 13
Tomorrow a close friend arrives. He’s been given explicit directions (by me) to not allow me any coke. Not one line. So I’m having my last hoorah. I mean my last hoorah for like the tenth time. But nonetheless. Here we are.
God have mercy. This is going to be interesting. I guess day 1 is tomorrow. But we’ll just carry on and call it day 14.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 14
Well here we are, back to day 1 after two weeks beginning my journey to quitting. What’s next? Two of my best friends get to town right away (one tonight in fact) and will stop me from using. Am I going to be a massive bitch when I crave? Will I make their visit awful with my cravings?
This and more, to be answered in next week’s post.
‘Cause cocaine is a hell of a drug.