Cocaine is a hell of a drug. And week three didn’t go terribly to plan. This wound up being the last week I wrote on my battles, and when I decided to quit trying to quit. Or, I didn’t exactly decide to stop quitting. I just couldn’t do it. It was too easy to find. I gave up. I accepted my fate. And I stopped writing. I had nothing more to say. Nothing more to share. I was – and am, as I write this – a full fledged coke addict.
But at the time of publishing, I have a game plan on how to quit – for real this time. It involves leaving Mexico, but includes much more than that. You’ll just have to wait to hear about the exciting finale. And I assure you, it’s going to be a good one.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Confessions of a Coke Addict
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 15
We arrived at the airport 20 minutes after he landed. Surely he’d be waiting on the curb. But he wasn’t.
And so I waited.
And I waited.
And everyone came out, and the tour buses left, and he still wasn’t there.
I was getting antsy. Where was he? Had he missed his plane he would have messaged me hours ago. Then the cravings struck. I was anxious and craving.
I decided then and there: if he really did arrive – which was looking sketchy – we would have one single night to do coke together. I mean he likes cocaine, but he isn’t addicted like I am. And he’s looking out for me to help me quit.
Finally, the very last person came out of the sliding doors… no bags in tow. His first trip out of Canada and they’d lost both his bags. Oops.
Of course after the ordeal and being in Mexico for the first time, he agreed we’d indulge… but just this one night.
Just. One. Night.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 16
I’ve quit quitting. It’s gone to shit.
The thing is I truly love coke. I love my late nights. I love it all.
And so I’m stopping this blog… for now. I will resume when I quit for real. Unfortunately, that just ain’t right now.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 18
I decided to quit quitting cocaine. After all, cocaine is a hell of a drug. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the strength. I’d hit rock bottom then quit, followed by doing it all over again. Rock bottom was too far away now. A distant memory, even though it was a mere two weeks ago.
So I gave up.
And the day after I gave up – the one missing day in this blog – I didn’t do it. I didn’t decide to quit again. I didn’t think to myself I’ll just take a day off. Rather, I merely didn’t do it. And I didn’t crave it either.
The previous night my close friend who’s here and I had a rather difficult heart to heart. I asked him before he got here to help me quit. To be on it. To make sure I didn’t do it. And from day one I wanted to do it. He didn’t see a problem doing it together on Christmas. Of course, it then continued for me, though he could take it or leave it.
He felt hopeless
Unable to help me. He didn’t know what to do. Though I didn’t want him to, he felt responsible. I’d asked him to help me, and he couldn’t do anything without me being committed to it. Telling me not to wasn’t going to work. What could he possibly do if I didn’t want to quit?
I didn’t want to feel guilty. It made me angry that he made me feel bad, though it wasn’t his intention. He was merely expressing his own feeling of hopelessness in helping one of his best friends. He didn’t want to see me go down that path… a path I was already on
So maybe that’s why I didn’t do it yesterday. Sure, it crossed my mind, but I didn’t crave it. I didn’t make a conscious decision not to. I just didn’t want one of my favourite people to feel shitty because of me. Because he couldn’t help me.
Maybe he helped just by feeling terrible himself.
I guess only time will tell. What happens tonight?
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 19
Well on the one hand I did two lines last night. On the other hand, I refrained from buying any. They were just given to me.
Will I do any tonight?
Fuck no. I got laid last night. It’s been months. Since my ex, months ago. Coke does not a horny Danie make.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 20
It’s New Year’s Eve. Leave me alone.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug: Day 21
I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. It’s basically against my religion. But this year…
- Rock new business.
- Rock school… should my grandpa say yes to supporting me through an online e-commerce degree (he’s still thinking… let us hope).
- Quit coke.
Last night I did it, and you know what? I didn’t even enjoy it. I did nothing for the New Year. Anxiety set in. I barely felt high. I’m done with this bull shit. Once and for all. If I have a line here and there, I won’t be hard on myself. But it’s done. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.